“You helped me believe in myself again and take the steps I was so afraid to take”

(The names used in this story are fictional to protect the identities of those involved)

At 60 years old, Tom came across a post on local domestic abuse service The Next Chapter’s Facebook and reached out for help.

Tom married Sara and they spent over ten years together. From very early on, the relationship was marked by emotional abuse. Over time, the abuse escalated into a pattern of coercive control, leaving Tom isolated and emotionally drained. He was not allowed to go anywhere or speak to anyone without his partner’s knowledge or permission.

Reaching out for help

Tom saw a Facebook post from The Next Chapter and decided to reach out for support to leave the relationship. He expressed a strong desire to regain his independence but was facing significant barriers, including a lack of safe housing options. During his initial call, Tom disclosed that he had been diagnosed with ADHD. He shared that this often made it difficult for him to engage with professionals, as he frequently felt misunderstood or let down in past interactions.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse: Tom had endured years of manipulation and control, which had severely impacted his self-esteem and confidence.

Housing Instability: With no immediate place to go, Tom was at risk of homelessness if he left the relationship without support.

Neurodivergence: Tom’s ADHD presented additional challenges in navigating systems and maintaining consistent communication with service providers.

Receiving Support

Tom received support from Lulu, a Domestic Abuse Practitioner (DAP), who worked closely to ensure that he received a tailored support plan that respected his communication needs, which in turn gradually built trust. Lulu also arranged safe and suitable times to speak with him.

Lulu helped Tom by talking to the local housing authority on his behalf. She arranged a meeting so Tom could talk about his housing options, and she also spoke up for him when he couldn’t attend appointments. She wrote a support letter to go with his housing application.

Working together with the housing authority, they found a privately rented room for Tom. This allowed him to leave the abusive relationship safely.

Moving forward

With the right support in place, Tom is now able to focus on improving his mental health. He continues to build a new life free from the abusive relationship, receiving ongoing support from Next Chapter’s volunteer mentor service.

Conclusion

Tom’s journey highlights the importance of individualised, empathetic care in helping survivors of abuse reclaim their lives.

Tom says:

“Thank you so much. Your kindness and support have meant everything to me. I honestly don’t know how I would have got through this without you. You helped me believe in myself again and take the steps I was so afraid to take.”

Domestic abuse isn’t just about hitting or hurting someone physically.

It can also be about controlling someone through fear, threats, or constant put-downs. This is called coercive control.  It’s when someone tries to take over another person’s life—by cutting them off from friends and family, taking away their freedom, and controlling what they do every day. Abusers may use subtle tactics that are slowly escalated in frequency and/or severity over time. Coercive and controlling behaviour is present in all forms of domestic abuse, it is a crime and can be reported to the police.

Get help

If you think you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, please call Compass today. They will listen, believe you and help you. Call COMPASS on 0330 333 7 444 or visit www.essexcompass.org.uk to request help.